The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
