dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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