i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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