Can i not drive my cunt home
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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