Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
