Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Randomize
