She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
