non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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