Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
