Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
