Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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