this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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