i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
