I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
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