You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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