oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
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