I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
