I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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