Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
