i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
