hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
