thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
