Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Randomize
