I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Randomize
