I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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