it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
