What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Randomize
