I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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