please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
