apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
