I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
