he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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