My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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