haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
