Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
