Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
