last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
