God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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