I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize