dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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