I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
