my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
