i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
