you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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