so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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