Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
