Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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