Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Randomize
