i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
