He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize