whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Randomize
