I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
ttyl tear gas
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
