I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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