Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
