dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Randomize
