i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
There's always time for handjobs
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize