Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
