God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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