the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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